AP Wire 9/13/05 Nashville, Tennessee-

Chad Padgett, known to millions as the sex symbol/ maniac Cus Longbow, shocked members of the media this morning when he announced during his weekly press conference that he would be retiring his alter ego. “Maybe thirty years from now the world will be ready for a character of this guised genius”, the 33 year old said Tuesday. It has been widely speculated that Cus and his band of idiots (see Bachelorama) had felt greatly responsible for God’s vengeance upon the Gulf Coast and New Orleans in particular. “We were just having fun- it was a bachelor party. Those type of things take place all of the time in the French Quarter.” Still it is obvious that the weight of this catastrophe looms large in the mind of this once epic figure.

As the story unfolded, sources close to Longbow have offered other possibilities for this sudden departure. Specifically, Protofest Duh: a recent festival of sorts in which Cus was the Honorary MC. “I don’t remember much”, admitted Padgett. “Only the horror of my friend S.S. McGoo sprawled out on the hood of his car and puking on the bumper. I knew then that I wasn’t just hurting myself, but also those crazy enough to try and hang with me.”

The full impact of this announcement on our society will not be clear for sometime, however, it is certain that crackheads and teenage girls alike will feel a void where a hero and role model used to be. And as for the chance of a return for Longbow: “If the French media tries to tarnish my legacy, then sure- I’ll be back for Protofest 3: Run and Pee.”

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